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101 THINGS TO DO WITH A SPAMMER


1.. Force them to follow the advice in their spam and write a TRUTHFUL
report on what it really gets for them.
  2.. Run them over with a vehicle. Mack trucks and bulldozers are
preferred vehicles of choice.
  3.. Fill out those postage pre-paid magazine subscription cards using
the address of the spammer.
  4.. If they have a toll-free number, call from payphones and leave
GRAPHIC and DETAILED messages.
  5.. If they leave a HOME number, act as if you're a scorned lover when
leaving a message. This works either way these days with the acceptance of
same-sex marriages and relationships. Maybe you can ruin their little
relationship with their special someone. Otherwise, see above.
  6.. Call them collect, then try and peddle their spam back to them. Call
as late as you want, and call often too!
  7.. Call and act interested in their spam. Act retarded, ask lots of
questions, and ask the same questions over and over again. Get them to go
through their entire pitch, and then start your questions again. After
they answer the questions, start over again. Keep doing this until you get
bored or they get angry and frustrated and hang up.
  8.. Assuming the email address is valid, sign it up for any mailing list
you can think of.
  9.. If you receive spam for an adult site and they leave a phone number,
call and act under-age and ask them to explain where babies come from.
  10.. Line them up along a brick wall and then shoot them with bazookas.
  11.. Break their thumbs, then challenge them to any fighting video game
on a home console. Are D-pads fun?
  12.. If they have a toll-free number and you have music for YOUR hold,
call up and place them on hold. Then leave.
  13.. If they leave an MCI PageNet number, make sure you talk to an
operator and leave a TEXT message. Make it a LONG message. This is the
MOST expensive option and trust me, they PAY for it. Call frequently. Use a
bogus phone number and be consistent when using it.
  14.. Using the above tactic, keep calling back at regular intervals. Act
more and more angry each time, leave harsher messages. Complain that they
never call you back. DO NOT use "obscenities".
  15.. Whenever you get a spam with a toll-free number, collect those
numbers. Then, whenever you get a new spam, try and push that scam to
those toll-free spammers. Remember, one call per spam, so if you get 10 spams,
that's 10 calls to each toll free number. You're doing a valuable service
to the spammer by keeping them informed of the latest and greatest in online
fraud.
  16.. Find out who they get their toll-free number from. Complain to the
carrier.
  17.. If this is a make money fast or money making pyramid scam, make
sure that the postmaster general is informed, as well as the Federal Trade
Commission. Also, since these folks are so legitimate, we know they want
to report that additional income, so make sure the IRS knows as well.
  18.. When calling a spammer and dealing with an answering machine, leave
an incoherent message. Hey, let them figure it out. Try filling your mouth
with cotton and marbles before speaking.
  19.. Why just leave incoherent messages? Stuff some cotton balls in your
mouth and have a conversation with the spammer.
  20.. For those if you with cordless phones, or you have a speakerphone
in the bathroom, call up the spammer while having a bout of explosive
diarrhea. Speakerphones work best, just so you know, because it picks up more room
ambience as well as those wonderful "bowl" sounds and other nifty audio
outbursts.
  21.. If you have three way calling, try and get two toll-free spammers
on the phone and then you can hang up, letting them duke it out.
  22.. Play those stupid childish phone pranks with toll-free spammers.
  23.. If you're calling a spammer, it's considered good form to belch
loudly into the phone during the call. Any other loud bodily functions are
appropriate.
  24.. Donate their internal organs to science. Collect immediately.
Harvest their organs the way they harvested out email addresses: without
permission or concern.
  25.. Assuming the email address is valid, a 2MB file attachment might be
a good idea, especially went sent many many times. I tend to dump the spam
into a text file and copy it over and over until the file reaches around
2MB, then attach and send.
  26.. Maintain a list of known spammers, especially those who have
spammed you. Find an open mail server on a known spammer site. Use that mail
server to send each spam you recieve to each of the people who have spammed you.
Make sure you use a bogus return address, preferably that of the latest
spammer.
  27.. Use an axe to kill them, then sell the remains to the Discovery
Channel for chum so they can film those cool Shark Week documentaries!
  28.. Gather together as many as you can. Lock them in an airtight room.
Let nature take its course.
  29.. Use them for medical research.
  30.. Use them for testing cosmetics.
  31.. Wouldn't it be nice the military had realistic targets for rifle
range practice? Moving targets help improve firearm accuracy.
  32.. See how many spammers you can stuff into a phone booth.
  33.. See how many spammers you can stuff into a VW Bug.
  34.. Shoot them, then use their remains as land fill.
  35.. Use them to help test the effectiveness of new explosives.
  36.. Use their skins to make discount leather products.
  37.. Send them tJehovah's's Witness meetings and see who can outsell who.
  38.. Use spammers to help clear mine-fields. One spammer could take out
several mines, provided the first one blows them up really good and the
flying parts have enough velocity to be sufficient to set off other mines
if they should hit other mines.
  39.. Use them to test the electric chair. After all, we wouldn't want a 
mishap come time for an actual execution, that would be cruel.
  40.. Cover them with honey, then tie or spearhead to the ground near
an ants' nest. Time lapse photograph the results and sell them to National
Geographic for lots of money.
  41.. Mail the spammer a hornets' nest. COD.
  42.. Call them up and repeatedly ask to speak with a specific person. It
doesn't matter if there is a person there by that name or not, but
preferably not. Insist on speaking to that person. Call back several
times. Have this go on for a while. Finally, call up and introduce yourself as
the name you made up and ask if they have any messages for you.
  43.. Herd them up then drive them off a cliff. Claim that they were
insane and thought they were lemmings. if you said I told you to do this, I'll
deny the whole thing.
  44.. Does the spammer advertise an answering machine? Record a message
on your computer as a LONG sample, inverse the waveform so it plays
backwards. Now slow it down and allow the pitch to bend. Assuming this is a
tape-based system, when it rewinds, they may hear your message. Either way, they are
going to be confused.
  45.. Have some good pro audio equipment? Pitch-shift your voice down,
use a LOT of compression, a tad bit of distortion, and then record your
message. Call up a spammer's voicemail or answering machine and do your best Satan
impersonation. Extra points if you can do it live. Extra bonus points if
you have a conversation with the spammer.
  46.. Collect the brains of spammers. When you get a whole ounce, call
Guinness' Book of World's Records and see if you can get listed.
  47.. Volunteer to give them a pedicure. Don't tell them that you're
planning to use a rototiller.
  48.. Ask them if they want to lose 10 pounds of unsightly fat fat. If they
say "yes", then cut off their head.
  49.. Ask the spammer if they are interested in saving the planet. If
they are interested, then kill them.
  50.. Make sure those organic farms stay all natural. Use the spammers in
place of where horses, cows, oxen and other beast of burden were
traditionally used: to plow fields and haul heavy loads.
  51.. Call up any spammer who lists a phone number and sing nursery
rhymes.   
52.. For the more advanced, sing alternate X-rated lyrics to said
nursery rhymes.
  53.. Call collect using one of the automated collect calling systems.
When asked to state your name, leave a short obscene message. This way you can
call the spammer and get your message across without having to directly
deal with them. Should the spammer accept the call, just act retarded.
  54.. Boil them in oil. Any kind of oil will do, vegetable, motor,
whatever is handy.
  55.. Hack them to pieces, then send the parts to other spammers as a
warning.
  56.. Have them try out a new sport: cordless bungee jumping. No safety
nets, those are for wimps. Spammers are brave, they don't need safety
devices!
  57.. Take a bunch of them out to parachute, then have a ground-based
partner use surface to missiles to pick them off one by one.
  58.. Gather pager numbers of spammers. Use those numbers when paging
other spammers. They should go crazy trying to figure out what is going on.
  59.. Use them as crash test dummies. Spammers can be amazingly lifelike
at times.
  60.. Subscribe to the usenet group: alt.tasteless. Save posts you find
particularly offensive or amusing and keep them handy. Call up the spammer
and read them the saved article.
  61.. Douse them in kerosene and light them on fire. Use a stopwatch.
Winner is the one that stays alive the longest.
  62.. Tie a length of rope to each wrist of the spammer. Attach the other
end to the bumper of a truck or automobile. Play "tug of war". Make a
wish, vehicle that ends up with more parts wins.
  63.. Kidnap the spammer. Hold them for ransom. Unfortunately, you'll
have to kill the spammer as nobody is going to fork over a nickel to save a
spammer.
  64.. In regards to a kidnapped spammer: if someone asks for proof, hack
off a hand and send it as proof. Further proof might be required, so keep
sending body parts until others are convinced.
  65.. Give them electroshock therapy with the aid of such widely
available items such as a fully charged automotive battery, automotive jumper cables
and a pair of damp natural sponges.
  66.. Build a stretching rack just like the ones in the middle ages for
your college history class. Secure a spammer to the device and show your
class the effectiveness of those ancient behavior modification systems.
Extra credit if you can break off the spammer's hands!
  67.. Practice the illusion of "sawing a spammer in half" trick. Uh oh.
Looks like you better practice the "hiding the body parts from the police"
trick. One less spammer.
  68.. Play "nail a stake through the heart of a spammer". Just like
vampires suck the life out of people, spammers suck the life out of the Internet. 
Similar vto vampires this is one of the ways that spammers can be
killed. It works on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and the media teaches us
that TV doesn't lie to us, so it must be true. They were going to call the show
"Buffy the Spammer Slayer" but didn't think it would have the proper
mass-market appeal at the time.
  69.. Build yourself an electric chair. Test it with a spammer to see if
typical household power is sufficient to fry spam(ers.
  70.. How many spammers does it take to grease an automobile? One, if you
hit them just right. Requires a very dent-resistant vehicle for this one.
  71.. The lost city of Atlantis is real, it is on the bottom ofAtlanticantic Ocean. 
All spammers aspire to get to Atlantis. What do you get
when you have 10,000 spammers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
  72.. Tape their eyes open and make them watch Barney.
  73.. Give them a job handling biohazardous waste. Oh wait, never mind,
spammers don't have real jobs, that's why they spam. If you see a spammer
pushing medical waste byproducts, I think you'll have spotted this
spammer.
  74.. What's the difference between a cadaver and a spammer? I think we
need to harvest a few spammers to conduct research.
  75.. Invite them over to a fraternity party. Serve lots of beans and
beer.
Force them to play marathon sessions of "pull my finger".
  76.. Take pictures of them to make posters in support of why abortion
should be legal.
  77.. If they list a phone number, require that they can NOT use any
special services like call forwarding, answering machines or voicemail,
thus ensuring the phone rings around the clock.
  78.. Since the dissections has been ruled inhumane in many school
districts, why not substitute spammers in place of the frogs?
  79.. Take them out on a long boat ride into the ocean. Club the in the
head. Use a knife and make some deep cuts into the spammer's arms and
legs, and maybe a few slices into the abdomen. Finally then throw them into the
ocean to attract sharks so you can go shark fishing. Finally, those
spammers who claim to be my friend can now be my "chum".
  80.. Castrate them, even the female spammers. Well, at any rate they
should be prevented from reproducing.
  81.. Shoot them and use the remains for land fill. Oh wait, that would
never pass an EPA inspection, but it would help alleviate some of the
spammer problem.
  82.. Help curb the spamming problem: death penalty for first time spam
offenders!
  83.. Make them listen to "The Spice Girls". Eww, too cruel!
  84.. Nail them to a tree.
  85.. Make them wax your hardwood floor using only Q-Tips and their own
earwax.
  86.. For all the naturalists out there, take the spammer out hunting.
Send the spammer to flush out whatever you're supposedly hunting. Shoot the
spammer. Oops, hunting accident. Mount the head on your wall as a trophy.
  87.. Spammers are magical creatures. They can perform amazing escape
acts, which they prove by escaping from service provider to service provider.
So, tie up a spammer, lock them in a trunk, then throw the trunk into deep
water. If they are a true spammer, they will magically appear, at which
point you should shoot them. If they are a poor spammer, then they will
drown. Either way, you're helping to curb the spammer population.
  88.. Poison the spammer. When they die, make sure the arms are at their
sides and their legs are straight, so it appears they are standing at
attention. Wait for rigor mortis to set in. Take them surfing. Bonus
points for coating them with fiberglass and waxing them because this makes them
last longer. Put the "body" back in "body boarding".
  89.. For you snow buffs: Poison the spammer. When they die, make sure the
arms are at their sides and their legs are straight, so it appears they
are standing at attention. Wait for rigor mortis to set in. Now take them snow
boarding. Bonus points for coating them wiht fiberglass and waxing them
because this makes them last longer.
  90.. For those of you in the garment/clothing industry: Poison the spammer. 
When they die, make sure the arms are at their sides and their legs are
straight, so it appears they are standing at attention. Wait for rigor
mortis to set in. Sell them as mannequins. Extra points for applying heavy
coats of lacquer. Extra extra points if you can pose them.
  91.. Make them wear a shirt with a target on it. Make them run across a
rifle range. I think people will figure this one out really quick.
  92.. Spammers make good targets for lawn darts.
  93.. Have them help you test your new catapult. Have them sit in the
"launch pad" and take bets on distance. Winner is the person who guesses
the closest without going over.
  94.. Create a public access cable TV show. Find pictures of spammers.
Profile each of them. Call your show "America's Least Wanted". Advocate
beating these people into a pulp. You should be able to go national within
a few seasons.
  95.. Send spammers over Niagara Falls in a barrel rigged with explosives.
If the waterfall doesn't get them, the detonation will!
  96.. See how much weight a Hefty garbage bag can hold. Use hacked
spammer parts to determine maximum load. Notice I did not say if the spammer
needed to be breathing or not to test this.
  97.. Play "How long can you hold your breath" with the spammer. Because
spammers like to cheat, secured them firmly to a large boat anchor before
starting this contest. Use the shipping channel in a river or open ocean
for the contest as this won't work in shallow water. DO NOT USE swimming pools
because the pool guy won't clean up that sort of thing.
  98.. Spammers are into masochism, so hit them with a board. Don't stop
when they scream out "no!" or "stop!", as that just means they are getting
turned on
  99.. Take the spammer to a zoo. Push the spammer into the alligator
exhibit. Let nature take its course.
  100.. Glue the feet of a spammer to a moving escalator. Run a video
camera. Send it to one of those stupid home video shows. You should get
some money for this one!
  101.. Spammers work hard at spamming. They really have their nose to the
grindstone! Get yourself a grindstone and put a spammer's nose to it while
rotating the grindstone.
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